Without my Pride (book)

"Without my Pride" -- The Story of Cemsiat

It is said that there is no redemption for one who has fallen -- that they are forever cursed to roam the land alone. It is known that one will be denied absolution for one's crimes, barring the intervention of only She who can -- Tenemlor. One will find no rest, and scant comfort along the remainder of one's life journey. Inevitably, one will die alone, deprived of whatever hope one might have had, and completely forgotten by the society in which one used to live. One will only know of suffering, reminding one of the tragic actions which brought this fate to pass.

Such a fate befell my ancestor, whose crime was the most severe one of the people can commit. He was the first, and therefore all those who act as he did bear his name as well, but thankfully, the name has only been taken by a few since since then. It is his ordeal and the shame that accompanied it that continue to serve as a constant reminder to the rest rest of our people.

However, there is more to tell on my ancestor's behalf; eventually he did find redemption and was granted peace by Tenemlor. His story is an important aspect of the people's culture and lifestyle, and therefore one feels compelled to record it for future generations to read. You will find it is in his own words, for there is no other who could tell it better. What follows is also merely the beginning, and there is no better place to start. May what is contained here serve as a guide to the way things were, and show that life has few absolutes.

Ra'sulor -- Claw of Eu

Mid-summer was quickly approaching, and the rains had not yet come to the jungle near Amberglen Hub. I crouched low in the underbrush with the scent of my prey heavy upon my nostrils.

So close was I that if I listened carefully I could hear the life-beat pounding out a steady rhythm. The sound it made was music to my ears, and I sensed the bloodlust starting to rise within me. Soon would come the moment to pounce, and the world around me faded into some obscure place; all that existed was the prey. Suddenly, a new scent assailed me, and a low snarl escaped from my throat. It was instinctual, but also a mistake as my prey bounded away deeper into the brush.

"Tagol, you have once again cost me my kill." I said.

"Have I now? Perhaps you are not so great a hunter as you would have the Pride believe, eh, Cemsiat?" remarked my unwelcome intruder.

I gave little notice to his insulting comment. Many of the other males in the Pride were jealous of my skills, Tagol foremost amongst them, and I had become somewhat numb to their never-ending attempts to prove me the lesser Prydaen. Besides, I had more pressing matters to attend to. So I quietly dis- appeared deeper into the brush, leaving Tagol talking to the trees behind me.

It took very little time for me to regain the scent of my prey, and I quickly began setting it up for the kill. Soon I would have my prize, the last item necessary to gain Siralor's favor. No, it was not customary that I do this in order for us to become life-mates, but ours was not the ordinary love, and therefore it called for something different. There was nothing I would not do for her, though she hardly needed or required such attentions from me. After all, she was near my equal in skill, where hunting was concerned.

With no further interruptions from Tagol, I made short work of the beast with my claws. There is something pure and euphoric about looking down upon a fresh kill, knowing that you were the better. Taking its heart, as I always do, I quenched the bloodlust burning within me, finishing it in a few frenzied bites. I then cleaned and dressed the kill, preparing for the long journey home.

Night had fallen long before I returned to Amberglen, the bonfire raging in the central clearing serving as a bright beacon that welcomed me back into civilization. Siralor, eyeing the bundle slung over my shoulders, flashed me a feral grin. Even from such a distance as was currently between us, I could see the pride and adoration she felt toward me. Tired from my journey, I wanted to collapse, but the light in her eyes suffused me with a renewed strength.

By now the news of my return had spread throughout the settlement, and a small crowd was forming. From within that swirling mass of bodies emerged the High Priest, Adinax. He came to stand before me, and quietly asked, "You have completed the task?"

As I opened my mouth to answer, another spoke for me.

"No, he has not, your Reverence."

Several gasps were heard from the crowd, and all eyes within the Hub turned to look upon the speaker, including mine.

"Why is it I have asked a question of Cemsiat, and it is you who answers, Tagol?" asked the High Priest.

"I would have you know the truth, your Reverence," Tagol answered.

Quietly I listened to their conversation, too surprised to speak a word of my own in protest. What I heard being said amazed me, and I stood there dumbstruck. Tagol was accusing me of stealing his kill, and claiming it for my own. I had always thought Tagol a disreputable sort, but hardly thought him capable of the blatant lie he now told. So absorbed did I become in thought over their exchange that I failed to notice the High Priest was now addressing me.

"Cemsiat, what say you to these charges?"

Finally, after a few awkward moments I found my tongue.

"Part of what he claims is true," I stated.

Casting a withering glance to where Tagol crouched nearby, I began to tell the High Priest my account of the events during the day. I told everything I could recall, including how many times I took to relieve myself during the hunt. All the while I continued to bear the burden of the bundle slung upon my shoulders. What little strength Siralor had given me had quickly fled during the whole of this ordeal, and I could feel my knees beginning to give way beneath the weight. Just when I thought I could bear it no more, the High Priest spoke. However, it was not to me.

"Tagol, it is well known you harbor some jealousy toward Cemsiat. Long have we Elders watched the two of you engage in a competition of sorts, trying to prove which of you is the better hunter. It was hoped that you both would grow out of such behavior, and while one of you has, the other continues the game alone. You have brought up serious charges here, especially considering the nature of the task Cemsiat was given. However, one need only look at Cemsiat to see it was he who made the kill -- the blood of it still stains his fur, and even now his body aches from exhaustion. Your charges have been heard, and now are dismissed."

The low, guttural snarl that escaped Tagol's throat sur- prised not only myself but also all those gathered. The High Priest showed no signs of such though. He simply pointed toward the gate, and oddly enough, Tagol complied. I was able to watch him start to go before the last of my strength was spent; I heard Siralor call out my name as I collapsed into darkness.

It was late in the afternoon when I awoke from my sleep, my body still a bit sore from the efforts of the day before. Siralor was nowhere to be found, but then that was as it should be. Life-mates were not to see each other until the time of the joining. Tonight would be perfect, as there was nothing left to keep us apart, unless the bundle I had brought was not sufficient enough. There was only one person I could ask to be sure, the High Priest.

"Why would you think this not sufficient, Cemsiat?" he asked as I stood before him.

"It is not so much I think that it is not, Reverent One, but surely you understand my need to be sure?" I responded.

He simply smiled at me, and nodded.

"The beast you brought is more than sufficient to feed the rest of the Pride, my boy. You have surely outdone yourself. We shall have to find a use for all the extra meat though, for we cannot let it go to waste. Tenemlor would not be pleased if we did that."

I nodded, understanding the wisdom and lesson behind his words. We hunt, we kill, but we do not do so in excess.

"Go now, young Cemsiat. You have a ceremony to prepare for, and I do not think Siralor would appreciate you collapsing again this eve. At least, not until afterwards."

At that, we both laughed, and I left to make final prepa- rations for the night's festivities.

                                                                
                          ******                                

The bonfire blazed before me, towering toward the starlit sky above. One is easily mesmerized by the dance of color that plays within it, and the rhythmic crackling sound of the wood as it burns. I can say without a doubt that it instilled within me a feeling not unlike what comes over one when they are on the hunt. It is indescribable at best, and mere words will hardly do it justice. Nothing in life up to that point could have prepared me for her arrival, so beautiful was she, silhouetted by the inferno raging nearby. I swear to you that my heart skipped a beat.

We took our places before the High Priest, and thus began the ceremony that would make us life-mates. However, someone had other plans.

"As a servant of Demrris, I will not allow this union to take place," was heard from the darkness. Siralor and I both turned to face the one who would challenge our being together. It was none other than Tagol, crouched in a battle stance with a barbed spear held at the ready.

It was Siralor who spoke before anyone else.

"You have no right to prevent this, Tagol. You sought me, and I refused. You have reached a new level with this stunt, one in a long line of such. Leave now, and none will think you a coward for doing so."

Her words surprised me, for I had not known that Tagol had courted her as I had. Tagol must have seen the look on my face and thought that a good moment to strike. I would have never dodged his attack, but there was no need to. Siralor had seen it coming, and in one quick step had placed herself in the path of the spear. Her body crumpled to the ground at my feet with nary a sound to betray the pain she must have felt.

The crowd erupted in a stunned horror, their gasps and mutters rising into the night. I knelt and grasped her motion- less body to mine, and took one long, last look at her as I growled out these words:

"I suggest you run now, Tagol. Best that you enjoy the last few moments you have before I catch you and rend the life from your body."

At my words, everything and everyone within the hub had fallen into a deathly silence, save for the sound of Tagol's footsteps retreating quickly into the darkness. The bloody spear lay on the ground nearby, and I snatched it up as I started to follow him out the gate.

"Cemsiat, do not do this!" I heard Adinax exclaim. But my mind was entirely elsewhere, and there was nothing anyone could have done or said to stop me.

                          ******                                

It was hardly a challenge tracking Tagol through the brush. Even a yearling hunter could have followed the trail he was leaving in his wake. I imagine the only thing on his mind was a quick flight away from the hub, so he carelessly gave me all I needed to follow right behind him.

I caught up to him just this side of briar-cliff, in the small clearing that overlooks the savannah below. There was little need to see the expression on his face; I could smell the miasma of fear wafting from him. The scent was repulsive to me. At the time, I recall hoping that he could smell the anger and hatred that was chasing him. I wanted him to suffer for what he had done.

"Run all you like, Tagol, for I will find you," I growled.

"You cannot kill me, Cemsiat, it is forbidden!" he said anxiously.

Obviously he had already forgotten what had taken place back at the hub, where Siralor lie dead by his hand.

"Forbidden or not, you die tonight, and for what you have done, I doubt the Triquetra will even take notice."

In that instant, I struck with a fury that no hunter has ever unleashed on his prey. Tagol was dead after the first thrust, but that did nothing to deter my hand from thrusting the spear into his flesh, time and time again. Stained from head to foot with his blood, and almost to the point of col- lapsing from exhaustion, I finally slowed my actions. With one last quick downward swing, I separated his head from what was left of his mutilated body. Then...I sat down to feast.

I awoke at the dawning of the new day, and to a stench more foul than any I have ever encountered. Carrion birds circled high overhead, apparently aware I still lived, but expecting me to perish any minute. Considering all the blood that stained the grass of the clearing, it is a wonder they had not already begun their work. It was then that the horror of what I had done hit me full force.

I began to weep. I wept for Siralor, who had given her- self to the Wheel so that I may live on. And I wept for Tagol, who had gone to the Wheel at my hand, an act that is forbidden. It was sometime while I wept that the other hunters found me.

                                                                
                          ******                                

Night was approaching when we reached Amberglen. I went willingly, aware of my crime, and wanting to face the punish- ment for it. The other Prydaen all wore looks of bewilderment that quickly turned to expressions of horror as they noticed that my once-golden fur was now stained crimson. I was paraded around the settlement, so that all might know what I had done. I had expected this, but I had not expected the bonfire to no longer be raging. Where once flames of yellow and orange towered toward the sky, a pile of ashes remained.

It was into that pile of ashes that I was thrown.

Out of the crowd, High Priest Adinax emerged and approached where I lay, my fur now colored a sooty grey. I prepared myself for the worst, but I was not prepared for the words he actually spoke.

"I have good news for you, Cemsiat," he stated quietly.

It was my turn to look bewildered. Good news? How could there be good news regarding the events of last night? Surely they had informed him of the condition they found me in?

"You are mistaken, Reverent One, there can be no good news for me," I said.

"How wrong you are Cemsiat, for Siralor lives still. Had you remained but a few moments more here last night, instead of giving chase to Tagol, you would have been aware of such."

"She lives?" I asked.

He nodded. "Her condition is not stable, but she has not yet journeyed to the Wheel. Nor do the healers expect she will do so."

I began to weep.

"I thought you should know this before you are dealt with, so that you could carry some measure of hope with you," he said.

Looking up at him through tear-streaked eyes, I barely registered his words. She lives, he had said so. I could endure any hardship so long as she still lived.

It was at this point we all heard the voice of Demrris speak into our hearts and minds, though it was directed entirely at my own actions.

"Slayer of kin, you are no longer Mine. To hunt is a gift I gave to My children, to feed themselves on the meat of lesser things. You have turned from this, and used claw against kin. No longer are you one of the Pride, and you shall walk alone and know no companionship with your fellow Prydaen. Your name shall bear the mark of this shame for all eternity. Be gone from here, Cemsiat. Perhaps in time Tenemlor will allow your spirit to enter Her country to rejoin the Pride, but not in this lifetime."

With this said, His voice was gone from our hearing, but His words carried their effect. An agonizing pain pulled me back into focus from the contemplation of His words, and I gave the High Priest a questioning look even as I lapsed into unconsciousness.

                          ******                                

The sound of running water woke me from what had seemed a deeper sleep than ever I had taken before. Surely as a skilled hunter I would never have slept so deeply, nor in so open a place. I had dreamt the strangest dream, too. Odd -- I must have been exhausted from trying to track my prey the previous day.

My prey!

Damn, it was morning! Siralor will not be pleased that I failed to return last eve. She will be disturbed when I tell her of my dream as well. I tried to flick my tail in annoyance at the whole affair.

My tail?

It was then I realized that it had not been a dream at all. Everything had happened. I fell to my knees and cried anew. In the short span of two days I had gained everything I had ever wanted, and then lost it all.

"I see you are awake," spoke a familiar voice.

"What have you done to me?" I asked.

"We have done what the Gods demanded we do to you, Cem- siat," he said flatly, with little emotion. "The night you followed Tagol into the brush, we knew the outcome before it even occurred. I doubt you remember killing those two hunters I ordered to stop you either, do you?"

I shook my head. I was not aware I had done such.

"Once you had killed them, which is forbidden, the bon- fire snuffed itself, and the ashes were immediately cool to the touch. However, it was not until you killed Tagol that a discordant mingling of voices, those of the Triquetra, spoke to the whole of us in the hub. They instructed that once you had returned I was to remove your tail, for it is the symbol to our people of a kin slayer."

He paused for a short time, letting that sink in.

"I have sent runners to all the other hubs, informing them of what you have done. Do not expect to find sanctuary among them. You have committed the most serious of crimes kin can commit. Therefore, you have received the severest of punishments."

Again, he paused. Perhaps he expected me to say some- thing in my defense, but knowing what I had done, what could I have said?

"That river you hear nearby marks the boundary, and so once you cross it, do not come back. I should also tell you that Amberglen Hub no longer exists, we have been instructed to move on. All that you knew, all that you were, are gone."

With that, he turned and walked into the trees. I turned as well, and began looking for a way across the river. I did not look back; I was too afraid to do so.